I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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