1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
