She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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