Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
