it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
