Christians are straight up FREAKS
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
