I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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