I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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