Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake