This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.