Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
