got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We just shotgunned beers for America
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived