toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am naked and annoyed.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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