The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
