I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
