You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
