he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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