His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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