i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
