I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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