Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
