I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
