Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
