once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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