To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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