So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
