I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
