Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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