I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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