My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
