He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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