Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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