I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
