One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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