I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
someone owes me an orgasm
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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