Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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