I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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