in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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