Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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