I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
