so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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