She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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