Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
