I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
