I skipped work to stalk him.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
