Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
