An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
