i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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