I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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