I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
