We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
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doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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