Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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