mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
