fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
