im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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