the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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