Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
