She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
